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Monday, 23 May 2016

A Guide To Being The Perfect Wedding Crasher

If there are two things in life that bring out the big cheesy grin and the tear to the corner of my eye, it’s a new born baby and a wedding. I just love those ‘aww’ moments. We’ve had a couple of new babies in the family but it’s been a long time since there was a wedding. More couples tend to live together rather than get hitched which is pretty selfish of them.
A bride in an elaborate wedding dress from 1929.
It’s been ages since I got all dressed up, shared in someone’s life changing moment, ate wedding cake and cried over someone’s first dance song. I know, I’m just a big old romantic.
But then it got me thinking – what if I gatecrashed a wedding? Would I get away with it? Would I get that ‘aww’ moment I’ve been missing so much? Or would I just get asked to leave before my first sip of champagne?
It was time to do some planning in the event of my never being invited to a wedding again. And here are my findings:
  1. Choose your season. Would you look better at a spring wedding or a summer one? Remember winter weddings require more clothing making them less handy in case you have to beat a hasty retreat if someone realises you’re not an actual guest.
  2. Don’t get a bigger hat than anyone else. Hats cause a commotion and people will be asking where you got yours and before you know it someone will be asking who you are, and if you haven’t prepared a script, you could be asked to leave.
  3. Turn up with a large present. Who’s going to suspect you of not being invited when you are so blatantly generous?
  4. Answer questions with a question. If someone asks you, ‘who do you know, the bride or groom?’ you throw that back at them. If they say ‘bride’ you say ‘groom’. Got it?
  5. Don’t be tempted into causing a scandal with the groom, no matter how hot he looks in a top hat. You’re only passing through and you’ll be surprised how quickly rumours spread.
  6. Arrive late at the church so you are not asked by an usher which side of the church you want to sit. Duck around the side and up towards the front to get a good view.
  7. Don’t be tempted to be in the pictures.
  8. Do not, under any circumstances, dance with a main member of the wedding party. No matter how persuasive the father of the bride can be, brides fathers are notoriously bad dancers. His awful dancing will draw attention and you’re bound to get found out.
  9. Don’t be the one crying loudest at the ceremony. In fact don’t make any noises that will have people pointing a finger at you.
  10. Lastly, dispel every urge to turn up in a long white dress. That’s basic wedding etiquette and if you break that rule, then none of the above will help you.
Failing all of the above, if you’re looking for an ‘aww’ moment at a wedding, you could just read Natalie’s Getting Married. There are four weddings in this novel and hopefully one of them will make you go, ‘aww’.


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